Dating these days is difficult on its own, but add HIV into the equation and it gets a bit more confusing. When is the best time to reveal your status? Are you comfortable showing your face in public? Are you worried about rejection? It’s a whole different beast than wearing the right clothes, having a stellar personality or working a sexy body. With World AIDS Day on the horizon, it seems only fitting a new social group and Web site for HIV-positive men would make its debut in South Florida. Donald Riley, a 32-year-old HIV-positive man in Fort Lauderdale, who has had success with a similar social group in Atlanta, recently spoke with Mark’s List about soflpozgroup.com, dating as an HIV-positive man, and what you can expect from this positive-friendly social group.

Why do you see the need for a Web site like this in South Florida?

Being an HIV-positive gay man, I’ve found that it’s been extremely hard to meet other guys around my age for social gatherings, dating or anything social.  It was a big surprise coming from Atlanta. I think it’s about time to erase the stigma about HIV-positive men.  

What will people find on the site?

 I will post news about HIV-related news, social gatherings, and personal updates about my experiences.  It will list a lot of different Web sites and dating Web sites that will allow HIV-positive guys to find out more about the disease. It’s also pretty easy to sign up.  Just enter your e-mail address and you will start getting updates from me.

Can you talk about the experience of hosting events like this in Atlanta?

I would usually grill out and have people bring a side dish. It was very social and a great way to just meet friends who have something in common. Our conversations were normal and we didn’t talk too much about HIV and medication.  I want to avoid these events turning into a support group.

How has dating been in South Florida as an HIV-positive man?

It’s pretty non-existent, and I remember thinking it was bad in Atlanta. I think I’ve been on five dates since I’ve been here.  I met them online, and I was open about my status from the beginning. I understand that it can be a deal breaker, so I talk about that early on.

When do you think is the best time to disclose your status to someone you have the potential to date?

For me personally I would say the first date, but it all depends on where you meet them.  If I meet someone in person, I usually wait until I see if I like that person more than a friend. If I feel chemistry, I want to tell them right away.

Have you experienced rejection?

When I was newly positive, I was very discouraged—it was very hurtful.  I felt like people didn’t see me for who I am as a person—they really only saw the HIV.  You have to realize that there are millions of other people out there, so you have to keep trying. As soon as one shoots you down there are many others out there. 

Would  you have dated someone who was positive when you were still negative?

Looking back I would have to say yes, but I don’t fault people for not wanting to date me if there are negative.  It just depends on the person.

Do you think gay men have a responsibility to educate themselves?

Absolutely—to protect themselves if there are negative.  There are still a lot of false truths about being positive. I think education is missing in the gay community as a whole. It doesn’t help the stigma in this day and age about being a healthy, positive gay man.

What kind of members are you hoping to attract?

Healthy living HIV-positive men who are not into drugs.  I want to find the group of positive gay men out there who want to do other fun things out side of bars and bathhouses. I put an age limit of 21-40, because I think the new-age positive guys who are coming out don’t need or want the support aspect. Most men 45 and older who have been on meds for a while and it’s depressing from my experience. Every support group I’ve ever been to I’ve always been the youngest guy there—by far. The issues are different for my generation of positive men.

Do you think there is misconception that all HIV positive men do drugs and want to attend bareback parties?

I think there is a stereotype for that because the majority of positive guys I’ve met have been into that, and I’m hoping that I find the group of people out there who are into other things.

Do you see a problem with people living their life like that?

No, I don’t have a problem with it.  There just has to be more to life than that.

Will member status be protected?

It’s all e-mail based and there is a privacy policy disclaimer on the site.

Are positive-friendly HIV-negative men welcome too?

If they are willing to come to events without any judgments or issues dating someone who is positive, then absolutely. I don’t want members of the group to worry about whether or not their status will be an issue.  I want these events to build self-esteem and be more confident in being HIV-positive. HIV will always be a part of your life, but it doesn’t have to define you.