By Stephen R. Lang

Imagine a city so beautiful it sparkles throughout the world.  Whatever comes out of that city has to be gold.  You would never hear of anything bad happening in the city, the Kings and Queens are regal, honest, and fair.  The Courts that cater to the Royalty do everything and anything possible to make their masters happy.  Ok, that’s the crap we were sold on as kids.  This ain’t no kids book. 

When you look at the idealized city I just mentioned—you probably had some vision in your head about a fairytale castle with some perfectly trimmed shrubs and no dirt, literally.  But what people seem to forget is that Los Angeles has smog.  The world knows about the infamous LA Smog—why do we forget about it?  Why does the proverbial Elephant in the Middle of the Room seem to so insignificant?  When we think about Hollywood why is it the first thing that comes to mind it the lush green hill with a huge sign that says “Hollywood.”  The sign was placed there by some real estate company years before the Boom.  We hear the stories and read the tabloid headlines while at 7Eleven, but what we think happens in this Magical City of Actors Dreams—is just what we think.  Truth can only be told by fact and/or even eyewitness accounts or you can look at it like an archeological excavation, but we have a Survivor. Here we have Andy Zeffer. 

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Everyone has traits, actions, and mannerisms from the geographical and sociological area they come from.  This can be anything from an accent, twang, or drawl, or how they put words together, move their hands when they talk, word usage or slang, or how they dress.  Whether or not we like it or not, everything within our society that we are exposed to and accepted as “normal”, on the outside, looks like something else.  A gentleman walked into Storks yesterday wearing a head bandage.  Somewhere else, they might think that he got into a car accident, dental surgery, anything but the obvious.  Us, like countless others have been exposed to the underbelly of the Plastic Surgery world and know that “…just one look is worth a 1,000 words!”   We have been desensitized to this.  I cannot deny that two of my favorite shows on television are ”Nip/Tuck” and “The Swan” and anticipate their return.  This man went on to say that he used the money from his Hurricane Shutters Fund for a chin lift and midsection lipo.  I, sadly, applauded him and reaffirmed the fact that I would do the exact same thing if given the scenario.  This is The Norm down here and many other vanity cities.  I can only imagine what it would be like in the City of Starlets and Never Aging Actors.  Andy has survived that world of moral corruption, greed, vanity, and whatever other Deadly Sins you can toss at him. 

What’s funny about moving is that whether or not we like it, we leave something bad in hopes of something good.  Mostly, we dread the thought of previous environments in order to validate our current living situations.  We focus on the negative aspects of past things to brighten our future.  Who am I kidding…I love dirt!  I have a sick fascination with it, as much as I try to control it, it will always be there.  Favorite Book:  Valley of the Dolls.  Enough Said.  Here, living amongst us, is a true Survivor and most likely still has his SAG Card to prove it.  (That was a test to see if you know what one is.)   Andy has written a steamy tell-all about his life living in the Plastic City and dished all the dirt on the people he knew.  Through the cleaver use of name changing, he masks the identity of these individuals to where only he and the people involved know who they are.   

Andy wrote this book like he was telling a story, a made up Fairy Tale, to those who would listen.  Through clever use of words, phrases, and meanings, he conveys his accounts of the life he lead—the life he now questions whether it really happened at all.  While at his book signing and Story Time, I felt like a little gay kid listening to him like he was an Elementary teacher.  I was mesmerized and drawn in not only by the story and word usage, but his voice tone and hand and facial expressions.  He came alive recounting the events of his life.   As one of the 35 people that attended this reading, I was actually touched.  All the other people seemed to fade away and he was talking to just me.  When I read sections before bed, his writing makes me feel like I am still listening to him.  You can sit back, relax, and laugh.   

Throughout the book, you will grow to know these superficial people who make up the cast.  You will meet Candy, the self-absorbed diva who bosses you around.  Then, there is the girlfriend of your Closet-Case boyfriend.  You will go on shopping sprees with people would give a kidney to have the latest Prada and then justify it.  We all know people like that and can relate.  You will get to know the real Gay Los Angeles, or, as Andy puts it—The Clogged Sink.  Usually, as a rule, gay men are gravitated to cities for there is safety in numbers.  However, many loose themselves to get and stay there.  After years of this and felling like an outcast, many will do whatever it takes to validate their existence, fill the needs to be loved, and feel alive.     

The majority of his comedy in this book is Joan and Melissa Rivers-esque and, if you like that, enjoy scandal, and laugh at situations for the wrong reasons, then you will LOVE this book.  Even if you have the slightest inclination to move to his La La Land, read this book and use it as a Survival Guide.  You will get to know the kind of people that make up the actors, modeling, porn, escorting, and generic people that make up Hollywood’s “A” List.  You will meet the down-and-out Directors, washed up starlets, crystal meth heads—all who strive to make it in Hollywood.  

Andy claims this book was a labor of love, I appreciate and loved it.  If you want to know more about him, read the book.  Then, if that’s not enough, he’s in The Fluffer and Woody Allen’s Celebrity.  He will also be part of another book signing at Border’s Bookstore on Sunrise in Fort Lauderdale in June so stay tuned to The Art of Life for details and show times.  Basically, what I am saying is, if he could make a Book on DVD of him just sitting there reading it—I’d be first on line!

Many thanks also to Haworth Press for publishing this book and giving us the true joy of laughter.  For further information about Andy, go to www.AndyZeffer.com and for press details you can go to www.HaworthPress.com to order this book and many others.  Also, if you want to know the new and latest in Gay Male Fiction visit their “focus” pages at: www.HaworthPress.com/focus/GayMale.